GDP’s Guide to the World Cup – Part 2

If you missed Part I: Teams 31-21 | Part III: Teams 10-1

20) Denmark

If there’s one thing we learned in the research for these rankings, it’s that all people from Denmark are beautiful. This both hurt and helped the Danes in the rankings. Obviously, they failed miserably to deliver an ugly player, but their attractiveness led to a highly positive score in the fun fact category.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Danish Dynamite, The Olsen Gang
  • Funniest Name: Per Kroldrup
  • Funniest Looking Player: Seriously, they are all beautiful with blond hair and blue eyes. This guy might be the ugliest, and he is hotter than Hansel right now.
  • Most Famous Person: Hans Christian Andersen (surprisingly famous and cool for what we expected of Denmark)
  • National Dish: Frikadeller – flat, pan-fried dumplings of minced meat, often likened to the Danish version of meatballs.
  • GDP Rank: 31
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: According to the WHO (2002 stats), Danish women have the lowest incidence of obesity in the EU. (source)

19) Chile

We guess it’s pretty cool that Chileans were able to engineer a swimming pool the length of ten soccer fields. But then we realized that they built it about three feet away from an actual ocean, so it’s pretty f’in stupid.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: La Roja (The Red One), El Equipo de Todos (Everybody’s Team)
  • Funniest Name: Waldo Ponce
  • Funniest Looking Player: Jorge Valdivia – not that ugly but bonus point for this picture of him flipping the bird)
  • Most Famous Person: Don Francisco (host of Sabado Gigante) – I know you recognize this guy… this really cracked us up
  • National Dish: Curanto – a stew that combines seafood, meat and vegetables
  • GDP Rank: 78
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: Chile has the largest swimming pool in the world. It’s over 1,000 yards long and is made up of saltwater. (source)

18) Uruguay

It turns out that some people in Latin America can read, and others can even write! Who knew? Also, Uruguay’s ugliest player kind of looks like he’s going to call you “friend-O”, flip a coin, and then shoot you in the face.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: La Celeste (The Sky Blue)
  • Funniest Name: Jorge Fucile
  • Funniest Looking Player: Juan Castillo
  • Most Famous Person: Mario Benedetti – considered one of Latin America’s most important writers of the 20th century; shows you how much Americans care about Latin American writers. We’re a magazine and we’ve never heard of him.
  • National Dish: Churrasco – grilled steak
  • GDP Rank: 88
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The official figures state an approximate rate of 97% literacy in Uruguay, giving it the highest rate in Latin America. (source) – If we don’t care about Latin American writers, we sure as hell don’t care about Latin American readers.

Now this is wunderbar

17) Germany

As was mentioned in part one, half of GDP’s contributors are Jews. Thus, it is just not in our DNA to root for ze Germans. With the greatest nickname in the history of nicknames, we were afraid they might sneak into the top 10. But thankfully, some guy named Adolf ruined their chances. Even Schweinsteiger’s incredibly hot girlfriend double-fisting beers wasn’t enough to overcome the Fuhrer’s legacy.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: The Mannschaft – we don’t even need to say anything
  • Funniest Name: Hans Joerg Butt – The 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance that the phrase “The Mannschaft is strong in Butt” could one day be uttered should have been enough to make Germany #1. But alas, Adolf ruined it for them.
  • Funniest Looking Player: Bastian Schweinsteiger
  • Most Famous Person: Adolf Hitler
  • National Dish: Sauerbraten – a pot roast, usually of beef
  • GDP Rank: 37
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: “Toilet paper in Germany has the softness and consistency of paper towels back home. I think that Germans don’t believe in softness for the… butt.” (that’s an actual quote from this source)

16) Brazil

Brazil is the prohibitive favorite to win it all, and it’s never cool to root for the favorites, so it’s fitting that they didn’t crack the top 15. We admit we may have been unfair in the selection of the random fact; Brazil is known for a lot cooler stuff than having a lot of trannies. But that fact stuck out the most, so we went with it. Our advice to the Brazilians for next time: any one of your three nicknames would be pretty cool, so pick one and go with it; no one likes a waffler.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: The Selection, The Samba Kings, The Canarinho (Little Canary)
  • Funniest Name: Kaka
  • Funniest Looking Player: Elano – only because it looks like he could have been in the Diggles’ Hebrew School class
  • Most Famous Person: Pelé
  • National Dish: Churrasco (meat)
  • GDP Rank: 105
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The Brazilian city Nova Igausu is home to so many transexuals that they recently passed a law requiring business owners to provide them with separate bathrooms. (source)

15) Portugal

The two countries that speak Portugese fall back-to-back. Coincidence? Maybe. Proof that this system is infallible? More likely. Nothing really that special about Portugal. Yeah, their jerseys are pretty cool, yeah they had a dude that for some reason wanted to be on a sailboat for about 16 years, but otherwise, quite mediocre. Next time, if we decide to rate best looking woman of the country, they’ll definitely be up there with Cristiano Ronaldo.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: Selecção das Quinas (The Section of the Shields), Os Navegadores (The Navigators)
  • Funniest Name: Duda
  • Funniest Looking Player: Bruno Alves
  • Most Famous Person: Ferdinand Magellan
  • National Dish: Bacalhau – means “cod”, but the word also refers to salted cod
  • GDP Rank: 57
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: Estoril Casion, situated on the outskirts of Lisbon, is the largest gambling outlet in Europe. (source)

14) France

Now this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. If you are not laughing right now looking at that picture than there is something completely wrong with you. The only reason we decided to include the ugliest player category was so we could include this picture in the post. We wish we could have given Ribery a score of 100 since his hideousness so far dominates anyone else in the world, let alone in the World Cup. But all we could do was give him was a 5. Thus, despite Dada loving their uniforms and their cuisine, they weren’t able to challenge for the top spot. You tried Franck, you tried.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Les Blues
  • Funniest Name: Sebastien Squillaci
  • Funniest Looking Player: Franck Ribery
  • Most Famous Person: Napoleon
  • National Dish: They don’t have a national dish, but it’s French cuisine, so we gave them the obligatory high score.
  • GDP Rank: 40
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: French people love cheese. Though traditionally there are around 350 to 400 varieties of French cheese, there are in fact over 1000 different types available in the French market. (source)

13) South Korea

We’re pretty glad to see South Korea this high. They should get sympathy support just for having to deal with their prick neighbors to the north. But their fun fact really hurt them. This is the World Cup not the Math Olympiad!

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Taegeuk Jeonsa (Taegeuk Warriors), Tigers of Asia
  • Funniest Name: Lee Dong Gook – seriously, we didn’t make that up
  • Funniest Looking Player: Cha Du Ri
  • Most Famous Person: Hines Ward – look it up, he was born there
  • National Dish: Kimchi
  • GDP Rank: 49
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: South Korea has the world’s highest estimated national IQ, with leading rankings in mathematics, science, problem solving and reading, as declared by the OECD (Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development). (source)

12) Mexico

We know that we shouldn’t be rooting for Mexico, after all, they are America’s biggest rival in the game. But we couldn’t deny how much we love Mexican food and Salma Hayek. Also, their black away kit is pretty damn tight. Ole!

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: El Tri
  • Funniest Name: Cuauhtemoc Blanco
  • Funniest Looking Player: Guillermo Ochoa
  • Most Famous Person: Salma Hayek – she alone should be enough reason to open up the border
  • National Dish: Tacos, Enchiladas, Quesadillas, Tostadas, Barbacoa
  • GDP Rank: 83
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The average Mexican only has education through the 6th grade. (source) – How about the irony of having them right next to the smartest country! We couldn’t have planned it any better.

11) Ivory Coast

Going into this, we had a gut feeling that Ivory Coast was going to challenge for the title of “Most Rootable”. However, they were let down by the fact that their national dish looks frickin weird and nasty, and that we had to search for a long time to find a famous person. (Didier Drogba, their star forward, probably should have won) Also, their random fact was pretty boring.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Les Elephants – as you’ll see, almost all of the African teams have fantastic nicknames
  • Funniest Name: Yaya Toure
  • Funniest Looking Player: Gervinho
  • Most Famous Person: Marie-Thérèse Houphouët-Boigny (former first lady, was called “Africa’s Jackie” after her visit to the Kennedy White House)
  • National Dish: Fufu – a thick paste usually made by boiling starchy root vegetables in water and pounding with a mortar and pestle until the desired consistency is reached
  • GDP Rank: 190
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The African nation of Cote d’Ivoire was the first black republic in the world to win an Oscar. In 1977, the country’s film “Black & White in Color” won an Academy Award for Best Foreign-Language Film. (source)

Want to know who’s #1? Go here for Part III.

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