Straight From the Gates of Hell

May 19, 2009: somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle, approximately 1 mile under sea level. Six men wearing sweaters on top of flannel shirts sit around a dimly lit hardwoord table. Other than the table light, the room is completely dark.

Bill Gates: Gentlemen, welcome to the 14th annual meeting of the Super-Dorky Best Friends! This year we will be discussing my plan to end hurricanes forever!

Dr. Borikowski: Yes, our greatest world-saving scheme yet…Operation Katri-NO!

Bill Gates: Yes indeed, my greatest scheme yet! Once we implement the plan, there will never be another Katrina! All those poor people will never have to worry about their homes being destroyed again, and we can restore New Orleans to the great city it once was, and most importantly, I’ll be given a Nobel Prize, and they will build statues of me in towns I have never even been to, and my name will replace Jesus’ in all transcripts of the Bible, and they will finally make me King,…er, President of America! AND, once they do, that fellow Condy West will say that I do care about Black people!

Dr. Stevens: Uh, yes Mister Gates, that is quite likely to occur once the plan is executed, but there are still many complications. Firstly, we have not begun to consider the possible long-term environmental changes that such a plan —

Bill Gates: Long term! Don’t you know that none of my products are designed to last more than two years? Gee willikers Doctor S., get with the program! Now, Doctor M., can you remind me of the plan that I came up with?

"Bring it, global warming"

Dr. Matthews: Surely, Mister Gates. We have already begun communications with the U.S. Navy to hire their finest Seal to pull off the mission. Once the Seal arrives here, we are sending him to Eric Schmidt’s house in one of the most covert assassinations ever plotted.

Dr. Lewis: Uh, John, I think you’re reading the wrong plan.

Dr. Matthews: Oh, for Science sake, sorry Mister Gates, I was reading the plan to sabotage Google once they put out a better operating system next year. They are working with Intel, you know?

Bill Gates: Google Schmoogle, they don’t scare me. All of their products are more exciting before they come out, then they release them and they crash and burn!

Mr. Vistano: Yeah good thing we never put out anything like that, sir.

Dr. Lewis: Right, well you Microsoft guys are the best. We scientists still cannot figure out how you have kept your confidence so high when your net income has dropped 32 percent this year, and with Chrome coming out, man, I don’t know how you manage to crush the competition and save the world simultaneously!

Bill Gates: Yes, I often wonder that myself. Then I remember how smart I am. It’s getting kind of stuffy in here… Vistano, open some windows.

Mr. Vistano: Open windows, are you sure?

Bill Gates: Yes, you doo-doo head! Why the heck do I have to confirm every command that I give you? Now, Doctor M., do you have the blueprints I created that we will be sending to the patent office?

Dr. Lewis: Uh, I’m Doctor Lewis sir, but yes I do have them.

Bill Gates: Yes of course, Doctor L. Now, Doctor M., remind me of my plan, the RIGHT ONE this time!

Dr. Matthews: Surely. The basic scheme is to slow down hurricanes by pumping cold, deep-ocean water in their paths from a giant fleet of barges. We believe that if we pump enough cold water, we can cool down the ocean temperature enough to (makes quotation marks hand motion) “weather” hurricanes, so to speak.

Bill Gates: Yes, I did tell you to believe that. Vistano, what is taking so long with the windows?

Mr. Vistano: An unknown error occured.

Bill Gates: Gosh-darnit! Are the windows frozen again? Vistano, call Mister Daprogramme to get them working again. Now, Doctor B., how long do you think until they make me King because of my awesome world-saving invention?

Dr. Borikowski: Well, as my colleague Doctor Stevens was saying before, perhaps we should consider more closely the potential damage that controlling the weather might produce, as well as the moral implications of playing God, so to speak.

Dr. Lewis: Also, I might add, it will take quite some time to get this through the patent office, given the monumental nature of this project.

Bill Gates: Patents schmatents, those fools can’t keep up with my brilliance. Vistano, did Mister D. fix the windows yet?

Mr. Vistano: Daprogramme is not responding.

Bill Gates: What the fudgsicle Vistano? That’s it, I am shutting you down for the day. You can’t get anything done around here! As for the rest of you, thanks for coming from all across the country to absorb my genius. If you’ll excuse me, I have my other disciples coming in to remind me of how my foundation is curing malaria and HIV, taking the Sabre-Tooth Tiger off the endangered species list, and making sure every school kid has all the books, PC’s, and school supplies they need. Until next time, Gates out!…. Well, actually you guys have to leave.

Mr. Vistano: Are you sure you want them to exit from windows?

Bill Gates: Will you shut up already? What part of Control-Alt-Delete do you not understand????

The Diggles can be reached at

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