GDP Fashion Watch: Men in Tight Jeans

I know I write fancy, but the Diggles is just a regular guy.

I have simple tastes in most things, but especially in fashion. I would admit that my wardrobe is quite boring, and anything that falls wildly outside of what I consider to be “regular” clothing, makes me a little uncomfortable. So I admit that I probably shouldn’t be writing about anything fashion-related. However, I feel I must speak up for men everywhere, about the most disturbing fashion trend happening today: men wearing tight-fitting jeans.

These pants were ok for hair bands in the 80's

Any fashion snobs reading: I know I might be late on this one; this trend has been happening for quite some time. In fact, I hear it’s actually going out of style. One of my friends told me that a recent poll saw more guys reverting back to the standard fit of jeans. Where he got this piece of information? Nick Cannon’s radio show. In a related story, we are no longer friends.

So perhaps this post is not the most timely, but it’s all the more reason to comment now before “jeggings” become obsolete…

GDP believes this is the worst fashion trend since plaid sweater vests were popular in the 80’s. I know what you’re thinking: “Plaid sweater vests were never popular, Diggles.” But if that were true, then why did my mom dress me up in them throughout my entire childhood? Despite the scars this left we with, I’d prefer wearing an ugly, way-too-many-colored sweater vest to jeans that make it feel like a midget is holding onto my legs and squeezing my balls all day (joke stolen from the late, great Mitch Hedberg).

Which brings me to my first point in the case against mandex: Men have external genitalia. There is a reason male jeans were designed to give some wiggle room; actually there are three reasons, and they rhyme with sheenis and shesticles.

The second point: men need pockets. If my junk can’t fit into my jeans, then how can my other junk fit into my pockets? Perhaps I’m too practical, but I wonder how any of these dudes carry their shit around. Are tight-jeans wearing men going to have to start carrying murses? Please no; the tight jeans are European enough already, we don’t need our superstar athletes looking like Cristiano. Oh no! It’s happening already!!!!!

Thank God this picture was taken from the front

My third point: no one likes looking at men’s asses, not even women. When I see a hipster on his bike in Brooklyn, I don’t need to know the exact outline of his ass. When I roam through the halls of a local high school, I want to stare at the girls’ backsides, not the boys (just kidding, that’s horrible). When I watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I want the most disgusting part of the movie to be the gratuitous penis shots, and not Russell Brand’s way-too-tight pants.

Maybe my vehement distaste for this trend is a result of my age. I grew up when hip-hop artists were wearing jeans like this, and not like this. Perhaps I’d be more accepting of this style if I’d grown up during the era of skin-tight-leather-pants-wearing hair bands. Regardless, if the reporting on “Rollin’ With Nick Cannon” is accurate, I’d glad it’s apparently going away.

The Diggles can be reached at RDiggles@GDPmagazine.com.

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