Can I Help You With Your Pee?

The Diggles is an entrepreneur. That’s why he started this web site.

I have a lifelong friend who calls himself the Messiah. Together, since we were old enough to know what beer was, we’ve dreamed of opening “The Tarantula”, the greatest sports bar/lounge ever. We’ve come up with ideas for years, mostly out of our asses, making lists of all the amazing things our fantasy bar would have. Sick TV’s everywhere; the best wings this side of Col. Sanders’ house; flowing beer; top-shelf liquor; hot, but classy waitresses; and great service. Once GDP takes off you’ll find us in in the VIP suite on the second floor, chillin’ in the hot tub while topless servers hand roll pigs in a blanket AND cigars for us. This is part of our vision for the T. And I don’t even like cigars.

Image from www.cuttingedgegraphics.net

I was at a bar on Friday night, draining the main vein, when it dawned on me… there’s one part of The Tarantula we’ve never discussed: the bathroom. Now I realize this isn’t the most complicated thing; as long as there are a few urinals and a handicap stall we’ll be all set. I couldn’t care less about the design, what the sink looks like, etc. (If you’re wondering, I’m only considering the men’s bathroom. It’s a sports bar. I’m not even sure if we’ll allow women customers).

When I opened the door of the W.C. on Friday, I looked up, and saw the most dreaded sight staring right back at me. At that moment I realized that there is one thing the Tarantula will absolutely never have: a bathroom attendant.

In a recent GDP News/Gallup poll which I just made up, 0.7% of people in the world favor having a bathroom attendant in restaurant potties (margin of error +/- 48%). So I know you’re all with me on this one. I ask any restaurant, bar, banquet hall and club that employs a bathroom attendant, what is the logic behind this? Let’s put ourselves in the customers’ shoes here…

Here are all the things I want out of my public urinating experience:

– I definitely DON’T need privacy. I absolutely need some guy standing behind me, looking over my shoulder and whistling a Beyoncé song while I urinate. I can’t even squeeze anything out if there’s no one watching me. Sometimes when I’m at home, I even have to play “Single Ladies” on my phone to re-create the ambiance.
– I 100% need to wash my hands after I pee because I do that every single time I go to the bathroom. Not only do I need to wash my hands, but I need to feel obligated to wash my hands so people don’t think I’m disgusting, and so this schmo can actually have a job to do.
– I am 4 years old, so I need help washing my hands. MAYBE I can turn the faucet on by myself, but to get my hands wet and then reach all the way up to press the soap button and aim it so it lands right in the middle of my hand, and then have the composure to rip off one paper towel with said wet hands to dry the very hands that were just drowned in water and soap suds? What am I a Cirque du Soleil performer?
– I never shower or brush my teeth before I go out so I need mints, gum, lollipops, cologne and spray deodorant available every time I use a bathroom. (Seriously the bar I was at Friday had spray deodorant. I mean, really?)
– I want to pay to use the bathroom. Now, I know you don’t HAVE to tip the guy, but there is nothing I enjoy more than putting my wet hand into my pocket, taking out my wallet, and forking over a single. And I love feeling like an asshole when I forget to bring my wallet to the bathroom and don’t have any money to tip the guy. Really, it makes my night.

Alright, I think I made my point.

The Tarantula opening for football season 2013. The only tip money you’ll need is for the waitresses. (And bring some Benjamins if you expect to be let in to the VIP section)

R-Diggles can be reached at RDiggles@GDPmagazine.com.

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