GDP’s Guide to the World Cup – Part 3

If you missed Part I: Teams 31-21 | Part II: Teams 20-11

Here it is GDP-ers: the Top 10. I know you were all lost this weekend with no clue who you should really be rooting for. And we’re sorry that the Top 10 is running when we’re already on Day 4 of the tournament. Luckily, we still have 28 days left so there’s plenty of time to jump on one of these bandwagons and pretend you’ve been there all along.

Without further kerfuffle… the Top 10:

(Note: If you’re wondering where the U.S. is, read the introduction to Part I for an explanation.)

10) Cameroon

We noticed that so many of the teams wear yellow and green together (Cameroon, Australia, Brazil, South Africa, Slovenia). What’s with that? Those colors don’t even look that good together except for on my NikeID Digg sneakers – those shits are tight. Cameroon would have had a great shot for the top 5 if Dada didn’t hate their uniforms so much. Oh well. Cameroon, we suggest changing your national colors for next time so you can have a shot at the title.

Also, we have to add: the Cameroonians are lucky they got this high considering they invited Paris Hilton to come on an official humanitarian visit last year. Talk about a nation desperate for attention!

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Indomitable Lions (Take that England! With your less threatening-sounding Three Lions.)
  • Funniest Name: Gaeton Bong
  • Funniest Looking Player: Rigobert Song – gotta love the bleached dreads and goatee, an African team’s must-have
  • Most Famous Person: Little Richard
  • National Dish: Ndolé – consists of a stew of nuts, bitter leaves indigenous to West Africa, and fish or ground beef
  • GDP Rank: 180
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The nation’s First Lady is Little Richard.

9) Paraguay

Quite frankly, Paraguay is lucky to be in the top 10. They are yet another South American country with an uncreative nickname, their kits are “meh”, and their amazingly curious bonus fact may not even be an actual fact. We hope it’s true, and we don’t want to know if it isn’t, so we gave it a high score anyway. Their strong suit: anyone that likes cornbread is fine by us.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: L’Albirroja (White and Red) – Come on South America! Like all of your teams’ nicknames are just colors. I guess that’s why Brazil needs three, to pick up the slack.
  • Funniest Name: Aldo Bobadilla
  • Funniest Looking Player: Nelson Valdez
  • Most Famous Person: Agustin Barrios Mangore (musician) – American composer John Williams said this guy is gangsta, so he gets our endorsement.
  • National Dish: Sopa paraguaya – literally meaning “Paraguayan soup,” sopa
    paraguaya is similar to corn bread – “Cornbread – ain’t nothin’ wrong that!”
  • GDP Rank: 154
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. (source) – Wait, what?

8 ) Italy

The defending champions. Diggles studied Italian in college so he is partial to all things Italian. And everyone loves Italian food. Their uniforms are pretty solid, they have an incredibly famous person, and they have Gennaro Gattuso, who himself has a tremendous nickname, beyond being quite funny looking. So why didn’t they win? Just like their style of play, most of their answers here were rather boring.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: The Azzuri – another color, but there is something about when you say it in Italian that sounds cool
  • Funniest Name: Gianluigi Buffon
  • Funniest Looking Player: Gennaro Gattuso – Might have the most fitting nickname (“Snarling dog”) of anyone in the world.
  • Most Famous Person: Julius Caesar
  • National Dish: Pasta – Who doesn’t love pasta?
  • GDP Rank: 44
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The average Italian eats about a half a pound of bread a day and 26 gallons of wine a year. (source) – A ton of carbs and 26 gallons of wine, and yet Americans are still much fatter than Italians.

7) Nigeria

You’ll start to notice that a lot of the African countries did well in our rankings. We admit that the GDP factor may have been a little too strong; the poorest countries may have had an unfair advantage in our rankings. But screw it! 1) We’re GDP, so GDP should be important. 2) The Cup is being played in Africa, so it’s only fitting that we pull for African teams.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: Super Eagles – yet another animal-inspired awesome African nickname
  • Funniest Name: Danny Shittu – We shitt-u not.
  • Funniest Looking Player: Chidi Odiah
  • Most Famous Person: Hakeem Olajuwon
  • National Dish: Jollof Rice – The most common ingredients are: rice, tomatoes and tomato paste, onions, salt and red pepper. Beyond that, nearly any kind of meat, vegetable or spice can be added.
  • GDP Rank: 177
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: Nigeria has the highest rate of twin births in the world. (source)

Maybe next time, John

6) Greece

Next time we’re probably going to limit the Most Famous Person selections to living people. It’s a little ridiculous that both Italy and Greece got to use people from Ancient times. The Greeks would have had no shot for the top 10 without Socrates. Who is their most famous living person, John Stamos? But we don’t have sour grapes because of your high score, Greece; as New Jersey-ans, we’re eternally grateful for all of the diners you have brought us.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: The Pirate Ship – now that’s just weird.
  • Funniest Name: Sokratis Papastathopoulos – as you might expect, there were plenty to choose from.
  • Funniest Looking Player: Avraam Papadopoulos – As you wouldn’t expect, there weren’t that many to choose from. Disappointing performance.
  • Most Famous Person: Socrates
  • National Dish: Moussaka
  • GDP Rank: 43
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: WHO 2002 stats state that Greek men and women have the highest incidence of obesity in Europe (source). – Still not as fat as Americans.

5) Ghana

We applaud Ghanians for standing up for their beliefs and liberating the prejudiced people of their country. If only other oppressive nations would follow their lead and make it socially acceptable to pick your nose, the world would be a better place. Also, the fact that one of their countrymen has already won a world title (well an “Intercontinental” in a fake sport) bodes well for their chances to challenge for the cup.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: The Black Stars – so Mos Def and Talib stole it from them?
  • Funniest Name: Quincy Owusu-Abeyie
  • Funniest Looking Player: Derek Boateng
  • Most Famous Person: Kofi Kingston – current WWE Intercontinental Champion
  • National Dish: Fufu – a thick paste usually made by boiling starchy root vegetables in water and pounding with a mortar and pestle until desired consistency is reached.
  • GDP Rank: 199
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: In Ghana, it is not considered rude to pick your nose in public. (source) – We think it should be that way here too. I mean, if you got a diesel booger clogging your nasal passage, you should have a right to pick it!

4) Japan

We’re as disappointed as you are that Japan is ranked this high. They bombed Pearl Harbor, they kick our ass in pretty much all electronic equipment, and are probably the most boring team to watch in the entire tournament. But sushi is just so frickin’ good. It is GDP’s favorite food. So Japan, we repay you for inventing sushi by giving you a ranking that you frankly don’t deserve.

  • Kits: Home | Away
  • Team Nickname: Blue Samurai
  • Funniest Name: Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi
  • Funniest Looking Player: Marcus Tulio Tanaka
  • Most Famous Person: Hattori Hanzo (Is he even a real person? We’re not sure)
  • National Dish: Sushi
  • GDP Rank: 42
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: “McDonald’s in Japanese dialect sounds like ‘Ma-ku-do-na-ru-do’.” (source) – This isn’t as much a fact as it is just making fun of how Japanese people talk. And that is why we chose it.

3) Spain

We love Spain. They have everything that’s needed to win our pool: cool unis, a decent nickname, an extremely ugly dude, one of the most famous artists ever, and a hilarious random fact. Plus, we have a massive man crush on Fernando Torres. So why didn’t they win? GDP does not approve of cold soup.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury)
  • Funniest Name: Xavi
  • Funniest Looking Player: Carlos Puyol
  • Most Famous Person: Pablo Picasso
  • National Dish: Gazpacho
  • GDP Rank: 38
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: The Tooth Fairy is not recognized in Spain. Instead they have a Tooth Mouse named Ratoncino Perez. (source) Now that’s just tremendous. We want to give our Tooth Fairy a name now… we have three suggestions: Sandy Twinkles, Lucy Buttercup, and Dwayne Johnson.

2) South Africa

Bafana Bafana! They’re the host nation; they’re the underdogs; they’re an oppressed people who deserve some joy for all the years of hardship they have lived through. They have one of the most endearing national figures of the last century. So we’re glad they made it to #2. But if we knew how frickin’ annoying those stupid trumpet things would be during the games, we would have rigged the numbers to force them out of the top 10.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: Bafana Bafana
  • Funniest Name: Surprise Moriri
  • Funniest Looking Player: MacBeth Sibaya – with a funny name to boot
  • Most Famous Person: Nelson Mandela
  • National Dish: Bobotie – minced lamb with plenty of curry
  • GDP Rank: 107
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: South Africa is the only country with three official capitals: Pretoria, Cape Town and Bloemfontein. (source) Again, just pick one and go with it. No one needs three capitals.

1) Netherlands

We are beyond happy that the Dutch came out on top of our rankings. It is proof that our ranking system works, because we wanted to root for them anyway. There are plenty of reasons to love the Dutch: They play like maniacs and are probably the most fun team to watch. They have awesome orange kits to go with an even awesome-er nickname. They also have one of the most famous artists ever, and an awesome museum named after him. They have, by all accounts, one of the best cities in the world, even if you’re not a stoner.

So, once the U.S. loses to Germany in the Round of 16, we encourage all of you to pull for the Netherlands. They probably won’t win but they’ll take you on a fun ride. We promise.

  • Kits: HomeAway
  • Team Nickname: Clockwork Orange
  • Funniest Name: Demy De Zeeuw
  • Funniest Looking Player: Dirk Kuyt – also a funny name because nobody knows how to pronouce it.
  • Most Famous Person: Vincent Van Gogh
  • National Dish: Does it really matter? Anything tastes good when you’re high.
  • GDP Rank: 22
  • Misc. Bonus Fact: Almost every Dutch person owns a bicycle and there are about twice as many bikes as cars. (source)

Aaaaaaaight. That does it folks. We hope these rankings helped all of you soccer-apathetic people get into the world cup. If it didn’t, it wasn’t a complete waste of time… at least you have all this new useless information. And we’ll leave you with another Ribery pic, just cuz. You’re welcome.

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