The Super Dorky Best Friends – Episode II

If you missed Episode I of “The Super Dorky Best Friends” where Bill Gates ended hurricanes forever, go here.

June 18th, 2010: Somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle, approximately 1 mile under sea level. Six men wearing sweaters on top of flannel shirts sit around a dimly lit hardwoord table. Other than the table light, the room is completely dark. A white-haired man dressed in all black enters the room on a hover-craft recliner.

Bill Gates: Steven! So glad you could make it!

Mr. Vistano: (aside to Bill Gates) Uh, sir, that’s James Cameron… you know, director of Avatar and Titanic.

Bill Gates: Oh, they told me they were sending the best film director of this generation here, I just assumed… never mind. James! James Cameron! Welcome to my secret lair. Can I offer you a some prune juice or a Shirley Temple?

James Cameron: No, I’m good… Aren’t you going to say something about my chair?

Bill Gates: How about some granola bars?

James Cameron: No thanks… don’t you see my chair is fucking floating?

Bill Gates: (Covers ears and closes eyes) Bad words are for naughty boys, bad words are for naughty boys, bad words are for naughty boys…

Dr. Mathews: (aside) He does this every time someone curses, just give him a minute.

Bill Gates: … bad words are for naughty boys! (gathers himself) Sorry. Yes, your chair… It’s nice.

James Cameron: Nice? This is the first ever hover-craft director’s chair for Cameron’s sake! It took me 8 years to develop. This is going to revolutionize filmmaking as we know it… no longer will I have to get up and bend over to kiss Sam Worthington’s ah — I mean butt.

Bill Gates: Hate to burst your bubble there Jimmy, but I’ve been using hover-craft chairs since 1998. How do you think I get from my mansion to my bigger mansion? A golf cart? Sheesh! (voice cracks like a schoolboy)

Dr. Lewis: Wait, Sam who?

James Cameron: Sam Worthington! Star of Avatar! The greatest actor of this generation! (Gets frustrated) Ugh, whatever, I came here to talk about the oil spill.

Bill Gates: You want to sit in my newest chair? You know what it does? Every time I sit on it, a million more dollars are deposited into my bank account. Neat, huh? Oh and it can fly at Mach 3 speed, has a built-in Starbucks latte machine and it shoot lasers at people with iPho…

Dr. Borikowski: (interrupting) Sir, if you don’t mind, perhaps we can get down to the business at hand?

Bill Gates: Of course. Jake, please take a seat.

James Cameron: It’s James… Thank you.

Cameron hovers to the table.

Dr. Stevens: Miste. Cameron… As you know, Bill Gates is at the forefront of solving every world crisis. That is why we brought you here today. We heard you are interested in using your experience with deep-water diving that you gained shooting Titanic — by the way I saw that 9 times in the theaters, Leo is so dreamy! — um, you want to use that team of people to try to help with the oil spill.

James Cameron: That’s exactly right. My 20-plus years of deep water experience has made me the pre-eminent expert in deep-sea diving… I mean, I know all of the best people involved with deep-sea diving. So when I saw how badly these BP idiots were handling this situation, I knew I had to do something about it.

Dr. Mathews: If I may sir, um, play Devil’s advocate for a second. Forgive me for being skeptical, but how exactly does being a film director make you qualified to plug the hole?

James Cameron: Have you not seen my films? For Titanic, I hand-crafted a new generation of remotely operated vessels that explored the ship at depths far below where the spill is, not to mention the fact that we went back 20,000 feet underwater to film the ship’s ruins for my 3-D documentary in 2003, not to mention the fact that my film The Abyss was set underwater around a frickin’ oil rig, not to mention the fact that I made an eleven-feet tall blue chick with dreadlocks and no genitals seem sexy, so I can pretty much do anything with my computer.

Dr. Lewis: You just mentioned all of those things that you said “not to mention” before.

Mr. Vistano: You can do anything with your computer huh, he must be a PC… and Windows 7 was his idea.

Bill Gates: Cork it, Mister V. Windows 7 was my idea you idiot. Johnny, all that is indeed very impressive. I went snorkeling once but I forgot to wear my nose plug so I started coughing and then I peed in my bathing suit.

Mr. Vistano: Talk about a leak!

Bill Gates: Good one! Virtual high five!

James Cameron: Um… right. About the leak, I just met with the who’s who of underwater exploration two days ago, and I believe we can do a much better job than the federal agencies and those BP MORONS at ending this catastrophe.

Dr. Stevens: Mister Cameron, I’m interested in hearing your ideas on…

James Cameron: (interrupting) This crisis is all about the greed of these oil companies, ravaging our natural resources for an extra buck so all the greedy Americans can continue living their lives of excess while destroying this beautiful planet. I know everyone in the fuh — frickin’ world saw Avatar. Did people learn nothing? We need to curb our excesses so we don’t destroy the Earth!

Dr. Lewis: So you’re going to help curb excess with your private fleet of submarines in Russia?

James Cameron: That’s right! And by making everyone watch Avatar.

Bill Gates: Sounds like a good plan to me!

Dr. Borikowski: So if I could, let me just understand something. You made a film about a giant indestructible ship that had an underwater leak. And they couldn’t stop the leak, so hundreds of people died. Soooo…

Bill Gates: Oh stop Doctor B. Such a negative Nancy he is (in horrible Yoda voice). Jack, I just want you to know that we here at Microsoft will fully support your efforts, and you can use as many of our PC’s as you’d like in your journey to solve this crisis.

James Cameron: Ummm, I’m a Mac.

Bill Gates: Haha you’re funny José. Anyway, I think that’s enough for today. I think we have a meeting with Kevin Costner now right Mister V?

Mr. Vistano: That’s right sir. Apparently he has some technology that can help the solve the oil spill.

James Cameron: Prick trying to steal my spotlight with his retarted oil and water separating technique, it’s not salad dressing you fucking asshole!

Bill Gates: Bad words are for naughty boys, bad words are for naughty boys, bad words are for naughty boys…

Dr. Mathews: Yeah, you should probably leave.

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